You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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