he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you will always have a special place in my vag
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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