I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
