thus making me awesome and them whores
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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