i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
