why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
