i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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