I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
