I will die if light touches me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
