You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
