We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
