I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
