You can't motorboat a personality
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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