I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
