Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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