1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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