I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
