An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
