I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
