Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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