you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
