we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
