Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
