Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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