someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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