Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
