Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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