mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
