My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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