i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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