Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
