When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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