I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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