Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
