I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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