I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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