She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
