look no pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
