You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
