haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
