On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
