Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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