Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
