I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize