Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
