He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
