Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
