I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
