Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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