It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
