Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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