I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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