I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
