hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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