Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
