We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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