Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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