Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Quick, to the slutcave!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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