My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
