i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
