I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
