the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
