also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
