Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
